This is not a how-to post. I am grappling with an issue that didn’t used to occur in old energy life and I’m in the mood for writing it all down.

What is life for? What do I do now?

I remember making the choice not to need a man. It was a hard decision to make because I thought if I don’t need a man I can’t imagine that I will want a man. Why would you put up with all that interference in your household rhythms and routines, have someone using up half your bedspace, compromise your TV programme selections? Why would you risk issues of jealousy, control, of being stood up, of wandering from your own path by the distraction and emotional compulsion of being in love? When you stand back and look at it dispassionately, I thought, you have to have the need for intimacy and romance to drive you or you wouldn’t do it at all.

I didn’t really believe any of these arguments, they only gave me pause. It made me notice what a disempowered position I was used to adopting in order to be bothered to pursue romantic love. And I wasn’t in the business of choosing disempowerment, so I went ahead and chose not to need a man. I assumed I would still find reasons to want romantic love should it present itself, but I honestly didn’t know for sure.

I mention this because it’s just one example that has brought me to the position I find myself in now. I don’t need stuff. The process of converting to a new energy mode of life involved, for me and many others who I knew were going through the same process, spending a lot of time on my own. It was a beautiful time for me. I had my 5 acres of forest in the mountains and my partner and I built a little cabin and deck on the slope overlooking the town and the opposite mountainside. There was no power or water other than what I brought with me and I cooked, washed and contemplated on the deck. For about three years I spent half of every week there completely on my own. Sometimes I would be looking forward to company when I finally went back to the city and sometimes I would message my partner and say, I don’t want to leave yet. I want to stay another night.

So I don’t need company either. That phase of solitude has finished for me now, I don’t have any need to go and stay there on my own anymore, but the opposite hasn’t kicked in either. I am socialising more again but, you know, what I use to think of as interesting conversations now prove themselves to be a group of people placing themselves on a series of spectrums of principle. ‘I am not racist; I disapprove of murder and premeditated murder is much more unforgivable; I boycott this company for this reason; I don’t condescend to watch such and such TV programme, I’m just not that kind of person;’ and so on. It’s as though we define ourselves by our preferences and principles and, if we can find a way to enforce it, we define everyone else by them too. We box ourselves (and everyone else) into tighter and tighter confines, higher and higher walls. ‘Stop talking!’ I want to say, ‘You won’t be able to move your limbs if you go on much longer.’

Because in new energy we are not trying to define ourselves against the physical world in which we find ourselves. WE come first. WE just are, and it’s no longer our task to slice aspects of ourselves off and attempt to discard them. They still exist, fortunately, and are waiting somewhere just outside of physical perception to be accepted back into wholeness. The great reunification.

So my issue is: what do I enjoy these days? What motivates my next move? I don’t have to use interactions with people to define myself, to play out karma, or to gain love and acceptance. I keep on finding myself engaged in activities I used to enjoy, and starting to yawn or feeling a bit drained or just thinking maybe I don’t like doing this anymore.

But what do I like doing?

I still feel happy almost all of the time, sometimes inspired (in an undirected way) and, at worst, a bit bored. The fact that I have little motivation for life is not a statement of depression, this is not about my emotional state. It is a simple question I am asking myself. It is my current project. I hope I will be letting you know soon what life after karma looks like, what generates passion in the soul that has everything, so to speak.